| Unrequited Love |
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May 26th,
2012 11:01 pm
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mood |
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I wrote this letter and actually sent it, but to an email address that I didn't know that was no longer a working email. So he never got the letter. I'm thankful for it in the end. I don't think I could bare his reaction now that I have this second chance of him never knowing how I truly feel about him. I thought I'd share it with this community because I think people need to know that they're not the only ones who deal with unrequited love. It's been years and I'm still in love with someone who will never know. Shame.
( Read the letter... )
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| Dear Boyfriend |
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May 10th,
2012 8:30 pm
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mood |
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Nice. Yes. Let's just chalk it up to bullshit and wave the white flag. All the while I have yet to hear an apology from you for your end of things, my words have YET to be acknowledged by you even long after I apologized to you for my part. I don't want placations, especially after you heaped everything on me yet again as though you had absolutely nothing to do with it and it was all my fault. Fuck off if that's how you want to be. Stop trying to act with me as though there's absolutely nothing wrong and then act as though I have no reason to be moping. I fucking did my part, asshole! I apologized for my end of things and I acknowledged your feelings. And guess what? Until you do the same for me, I ain't giving you shit in regards to a truce. You wanna keep ducking out of admitting your shit and apologizing? Then don't fucking expect anything from me. I made coffee for you as a peace offering for my part. But that was after I'd already apologized. I WILL NOT accept your attempts to smooth this over until you've apologized for your end of it. Til then? Go fuck yourself. Me. P.S. It's pretty goddamn pathetic that you'll apologize to me as you did just now over anguishes that someone else has caused me but you can't even fucking apologize for what YOU'VE done to hurt me. That's. Fucked. Up.Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.
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| Relatives... |
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May 2nd,
2012 9:33 am
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mood |
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aggravated |
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Dear aunt that I have no choice but to live with,
What is your freaking deal about what I wear to school?! Number one, if your head wasn't so far up your own ass, you'd know it would be like 90 outside. 90. Freaking. Degrees. In MAY. That should be a clue that I'll wear my tank tops and shorts.
Second of all, you are NOT my mother. My mother died Halloween 2011, and she is the only one that can tell me what I can and can't wear. You have NO obligation to tell me a damn thing about what I wear.
Third of all, pot calling the kettle black. You wear tank tops and shorts to the freaking grocery store, so how am I wearing that to school any freaking DIFFERENT? Get your head out of your ass, stop watching soap operas, and get a life. I have one. And it rocks.
You need to get yourself in check. I'm not your child, nor will I EVER be. I'll be glad when I graduate so I can tell you to piss off.
No love,
me
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| Headaches with a birthday... |
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April 25th,
2012 6:27 pm
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mood |
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annoyed |
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Dear NY boyfriend,
Happy birthday, baby. I love you so much.
Love, your NC girlfriend.
Dear hos on my man's Facebook,
Look, what part of "NY boyfriend" did you not seem to understand? Talking about your feelings for him and all that, seriously? If you wanted to tell him that, then you should have said something BEFORE he and I got together. Now we are. So all your little talking about him being your boyfriend needs to stop. For real.
He's MY boyfriend. Has been for five years, will be for longer. Get over yourselves and fawn over someone that's NOT dating someone else. Just a thought.
No love, NY boyfriend's NC girlfriend.
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April 21st,
2012 11:44 am
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Dear husband,
I'm sorry for messing up all of the time, or feeling like I do. Conversations turn into confrontations because I feel attacked even when I'm not. I know it's not you. I do try to work on it, but this doesn't seem to be going away. Arguments and disagreements are a part of a relationship, I get that. I don't feel like we do that a lot usually, though these last couple of months have been stressful.
Why does it feel like when I tried to open up and talk (finally, I know I suck at it) it feels like you've shut down? Yes, I can feel the wall you've put up since yesterday afternoon. I know when you're being cold. It hurts me. Probably the point.
This has only happened once before and I sat around worrying you were going to leave me. Your mom said something and you thawed. It felt like whatever it was had never happened.
I don't like that it's back. I'm trying to be a good wife and mother and sort the stressful things out, but feeling shut out doesn't help my peace of mind. Maybe I don't deserve you letting up, but I need it right now. With everything right now, I need a little more grace. Sorry that dealing with my uncle's death, my mom's whatever is going on and my unresolved anger, my stress over the problems with Teb at school and it being the wrong time of the month have combined in such a way as to make sure I piss you off with maximum efficiency.
I did say that it's not just you. In fact, I said it's mostly me. But this cold front toward me in front of the kiddo is no better than us arguing in front of him. It's just more subtle.
You keep telling me we're forever. I keep believing it, I do, but I can't do another week of the cold shoulder. I don't think I can deal with another day of it. Not right now. Please stop. Find whatever it is in yourself that you need to say to me to make your point and move on, please.
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| Drive by. |
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April 17th,
2012 11:54 am
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Ladies of this town - I'm not a lesbian. I'm sorry.
When you continue to hit on me after I've politely told you I'm not interested, it's as dissappointing and creepy as when dudes hit on you hoping you'll 'change your mind.' Really. Just stop.
Yes, I don't buy into the gender binary. Yes I appear androdgynous at times. However, when I haven't given you any indication that I'm interested in dating other than being polite and you continue to flirt with me (and we don't have an established friendship where we've clarified that flirting doesn't indicate romantic interst in one another) it's not cute, it's creepy. Just. Like. When. Dudes. Do. It.
Stop.
I'd like to see us demonstrating the respect we'd like from others.
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April 13th,
2012 9:27 pm
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Dear Friend, Don’t do this. You are a wonderful, amazing human being and you don’t deserve the pain this will bring you. He doesn’t love you. He’s wooing you, dear, and once he’s had his fill he’ll drop you like a toddler drops a broken toy. Then you’ll be worse off than before. Do you really want to look back and see your first flame as someone several years older than you? Someone who just wants you because you’re a new experience? I don’t care what you’re trying to prove to her. Who cares? It’s not worth this. You’re my friend and it’s not my place to get involved unless you ask me to, but it’s going to kill me when this happens and you fall to pieces. Then you’ll tell them – you’re other ‘friends’ – and they won’t care. Your problems, not theirs. Don’t take this any farther. Leave him. Don’t let him take your childhood from you when you need it the most. We’re not kids anymore, are we? I wish you wouldn’t do this. I know what’s going to happen and I think you do too, but you have too much pride. Pretty soon, I’ll be too immature to associate with you. I know. I won’t let these pigs be my future. I have better things to do. God. I hope you, dear friend, do too. Don’t let him be your everything. You’re better than that. Always were. You were one of my first friends, and you don’t understand how hard it was for me to make friends. I’m weird, but you are too. That makes us a family, I guess. And family sticks together. No matter how hard it hurts. -A
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April 13th,
2012 10:57 pm
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Dear father,
You talk heatedly about Libya and Syria and Egypt, but the truth is that you're a worse dictator than all of them.
You speak with disapproval about those who don't allow for political and cultural diversity, while in your own home you accept none.
And when I, inspired by the courage of the masses, decided to be a mature 25-year-old and talk to you honestly and openly about why I don't want to go to mass instead of pretending to go there while being somewhere else, you yelled at me, told me to go to hell, looked at me with red, frightening eyes like I was unspeakably rude, a dangerous rebel to be crushed, a piece of garbage.
You said, lal yahood, lal gird- to the jews, to the donkeys.
And it made me realize how stupid I was for choosing honesty over deception, for not picking my battles. I should have just lied. I should keep lying and kissing ass just so I can hope to deserve things I care more about, like your precious permission to take that scholarship I've worked two years for. Now you'll use this against me. Now you'll feel entitled to ruin my life, just because I don't want to take communion in an Orthodox church where they use the same spoon for five hundred people. Just because I was honest and told you that no, I don't believe the holy spirit continually disinfects the spoon, and I know that you, a genius doctor, a fellow of the British College of Surgeons, don't believe it either.
I should have lied. What's wrong with lying? What's wrong with pretending to be something else just to get what you want? Isn't this what Egyptians scorn about all these double-faced journalists pre- and post- revolution? Isn't this what you hate about our country?
I'm 25, damn it. Wake up- you're a dictator. Wake up- I have a brain and a voice and I disagree with you. Wake up, you're in trouble- you raised us to read books and study hard and thought it was the perfect way to keep our teenage minds off boys and going out. Now it's coming against you. Now you regret it because we're all twenty-something and we still spend no time wearing make-up and heels and trying to catch a husband.
And what kills me even more is knowing that deep down, you, too, hate make-up and heels and trying to catch a husband.
Deep down you don't believe this shit that society tells you.
And if you choose to live by it, I don't want to. I did for a long time. I fit my life to your standards all my life- now I'm tired. Now I think it's my turn.
Give me room, for god's sake.
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
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| i still |
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April 12th,
2012 12:44 am
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
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Our whole romance was so brief but I still think of you every day. I have lost so much of what we had to time. I can’t remember you voice but I remember the faces you made when you talked. I wish I could just bump into you someday but I know that will never happen. I have tried but I just can’t find that spark with anyone else there was something so perfect between us but we let our heads get in the way. Maybe that is why it had to end our fire burned to hot and made it burn out to quick. I know it’s done I know it’s all burned out I just wish I could know if you still think of me. Do you think of me? If you do, do you think of me fondly? Do you miss me?
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| Dear J |
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April 8th,
2012 1:34 pm
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Dear J,
I hope you know that its hard being away from you. I hope you know that when I said I was finally over you for good; it seems that was just lying to myself as well. I love being such close friends with you but I know that I will always yearn for more. I said one night when we were laying in bed that with how you act now, I'd tell you no if you were to ask me out. I was just mad hun. I would still say yes in a heartbeat. Even if I knew it would only end in pain. You ARE my first love and its hard as hell to severe that tie. I wish I could go back to the days before I fell for you. We had great conversations, like we do now, but back then I didn't get upset every time you mentioned her. Now, I act like I'm strong and I tell you that I wish ya'll the best once you start dating her, but you'll never know how hard those words are to say. I do truly want you to be happy; I just wish I was the one to make you that way.
And believe me, I get it. Ya'll have known each other for a long long time. You fell for her before we even met and neither of us can help that. Maybe someday you'll understand but for now I'm just gonna keep wishing you well and try my hardest to not destroy the friendship we still have.
I love you J and I always will; no matter how many times I tell myself otherwise
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April 5th,
2012 8:19 pm
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Dear me,
Really? Wake up. You have a beautiful son, a wonderful husband and a terrific life. The bills are paid, you have money in savings and you've found a church that you not only love, but your husband loves and attends, too. It seems you've met pretty much all of your goals. So what gives? Why are you so stressed out and depressed? You're causing your own problems, woman. Get over it.
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April 2nd,
2012 2:26 pm
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mood |
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Dear M,
I still love you. I didn't get to tell you everything that was in my heart that day you let me go. You really hurt me bad, you know? I know I said I still want to be your friend and I will never hate you, but these days, whenever I remember what you did to me, and how easily it was for you to get rid of me and move on, I find it a bit hard to smile at the memories of you. I left my old account - the one I met you in, because it still hurts reading about you. In fact, I read your latest entry, and I see that you are sad because your artwork didn't get chosen... I feel for you and I want to comfort you. But I am afraid to send you a message because you might just hurt me again. But I hope you'll be okay soon, my love. My sweet darling, I hope you have someone holding your hand right now and making you feel okay. Because it will be okay bb, I know it will! *smiles at you lovingly* You are a good artist and I know you will get over the pain of rejection. The world is not perfect and we won't always have what we want but just keep doing what you do and someday, I am sure, your efforts with pay off! I love you M. I wish I can be there for you. I wish somehow... you miss me too.
Sincerely,
Your kitty ♥
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March 28th,
2012 11:08 pm
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1. Run home 2. Brush my teeth and tongue for 5 minutes 3. Gargle mouthwash for 2 minutes 4. Repeat the process 3 times 5. Repeat the process one more time 6. Shower vigorously 7. Text "Yes, it was (amazing). I love you too" 8. Cry
Every time we made out.
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March 24th,
2012 3:19 pm
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Dear people of the world,
I WANT to like you. I really, really do. But you make it oh so hard. Why can't everyone just be nice to each other? Why can't we all be ourselves and feel good? Where can I escape to and find people who want the best for me, genuinely care about me, are not afraid to be themselves and only want positive things for others? The selfishness, the jealousy, the greed.... it's disgusting. I don't want to be a part of the human race if THAT is normalcy. 23 years and I can only honestly say I know one real person. I can only pretend to get along with other people for so long and then I can't lie to myself anymore, and tell myself I want to be around them. I don't. But I WANT to want to be around them. For now, I really just want to punch everyone in the face. But don't worry world, if I sound critical, be rest assured that I am hardest on myself.
With love,
the girl who feels lonely in a crowded room
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March 24th,
2012 12:04 am
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Dear Love Of My Life,
Lets just start off by saying how much I hate you, and how much I love you. You have been so passive aggressive since you left me, and somehow, i've not managed to forget you. I hate that your name crosses my mind every single day of my life. I hate that I am constantly looking at your Facebook, and Twitter, and pictures of you that I have held on to and cherished for the longest time. I've tried to replace you, with nobody able to fill the space that you left me with. I wish I could tell you this to your face, but all it would do is drive you further away from me, if that's even possible. I miss you. I just wish you missed me too.
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March 18th,
2012 11:57 pm
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Dear Ex Boyfriend as of Friday,
You couldn't wait for two hours until I was out of the office to break up with me. You cited the fact that you can't understand the way I think and can't get over it, and you tried, but it's not working. You cite a "princess mentality." You have no idea how much of your stupidity I got over. You have no idea how put off you got some of my friends when they met you. You put up an -ist thing and you didn't listen to me, nor did you listen to EVERY OTHER FEMALE FRIEND ever who called you out on it, preferring instead to tell them to fuck off. You complained about having to use condoms after we became official. You needed a reminder from a mutual friend to call me on my birthday. You were always lax about communicating and got even more so for the past six weeks. I dealt with your inability to give me advance warning about when you'd be unavailable. I dealt with your general cluelessness. I dealt with your inability to think things through. I made myself get over these because I realized that it's not good to attribute to malice what can be explained by stupidity. And because I was not used to a man declaring publicly that I was his woman. I've always been someone's dirty little secret. And when I tried to tell this to you, I did it in hopes that you'd understand some of my insecurities and make the appropriate gesture of comfort, but instead you failed to follow at all. But you can't "get over" the fact that you disagree with me on things and my "princess mentality"? And just two days prior to dumping me, you acted ridiculously affectionate...then Friday afternoon you call me at work to say basically that you're too stupid for me. Not that I disagree. But while you'll find a better fit than I, that better fit will not be a better WOMAN than I. You mark my words on that.
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| Dear mom; |
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March 15th,
2012 12:51 am
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These past few years have been hard. Harder than I'd ever have imagined. When I was younger, my over-active imagination would often envision this scenario, and yet I never could have pictured what it's like now. It's terrifying and I can't think about what might happen without having some kind of breakdown. It's especially hard because I do not do emotions, as you know. I don't do most things. I don't know how to show you how much I love you, how much I'll miss you, how lost I'll be without you when you're gone. I'm terrified that you won't get to see me reach my goals, I'm afraid how bad it will hurt if you aren't there to watch me graduate the Academy. You've always, always told me to follow my big dreams and do what I want, even when I knew it would break your heart. You are the only person I have ever been willing to give up everything for. If I knew I could save you, I would drop everything, I would do anything, I would walk away from the only thing I've ever wanted. I don't want to be like you, but I love you and I respect you and I cannot deal with how I imagine my life would be without you here. I know the things you have suffered for your family, for us, and I cannot express how it makes me feel.
I know that we weren't close, before. You raised me, but we never had a really close relationship. I was too wrapped up in my own suffering and too depressed, too deluded, to see that you did love me. I was too busy trying to be Dad, too busy trying to please the unpleasant, that I missed you. It wasn't until we found out about the cancer that I got close to you. I remember thinking that this is it. Now or never. That was the day I chose to love you, because I knew I wouldn't have another shot at it. No do-overs. I promised myself that I would make you laugh every day, because I don't know any other way to make people feel better. I promised myself we'd talk. I'd do whatever I had to do. Because of that, we are closer than we've ever been. We disagree about many, many things, but, in the end, you are still my mom, and I am still your baby girl. I feel like our relationship is a million times stronger than so many others out there, and I feel special.
When we talk, it gives me clarity. When you smile, it lights up my day because I know I did that. I would do anything to please you. I don't want you to go. It's like you're the best, the smartest, the most important person in my life. I suck at coping, because I'd rather repress than deal, and I know that when you die(be it in five days or five years or fifteen years), it will overflow. I'm scared of what that will look like. I'm terrified of what Dad will become without you, how bad it'll get. I'm worried about what J will do; who he'll hurt, where he'll end up. I worry about my sisters and how they will cope, because you are our rock. You're the only thing we have in common and you are the glue that holds us together.
I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm so terrified, and I don't know what to do, other than laugh it off and keep on going through life. The word incurable is the wost I have ever heard and I keep a straight face for you and I. Without you, I am incomplete. I'm a compulsive liar, but I tell you the truth without thinking, and that scares me that I give anyone, even my own mother, that much insight. I think that you may have been the reason I have kept my depression at bay for so many years, because I know what losing me would do to you.
I will never be able to tell you this in person, even during our long midnight chats where we talk about everything suner the sun. It helps to write it all out, though. Who knows, maybe, one day, if God brings us a miracle, you'll read this, or I will read it to you.
But until that day comes:
I love you, and I always will, and I will make sure you know it every day until I can't say it anymore.
-your baby girl
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[ |
March 5th,
2012 10:58 pm
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Dear classmates,
Allow me to be a little selfish, as well as less of a doormat and material friend, okay?
With love,
Frustrated topnotcher, scapegoat, printer, photocopying machine, school supply store, food stash, cargo ship, calculator, computer shop, cellphone shop, telephone operator, financial aid, editor-in-chief, yearbook staffer, student council vice-president, pockmarked butt monkey, and search engine
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March 5th,
2012 12:31 am
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mood |
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 drained |
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Dear you,
It has been so long since our breakup, and although I've been telling myself time and time again to forgive you, I've never been able to truly do so. Every time I see you around in school, Facebook, tweets, the memories just keep coming back, haunting me, suffocating me, drowning me. I feel so nauseated at the thought of your hands on my body, allowing you to make me feel so degraded and disgusted at myself. I couldn't say no to you, you always had the means to convince me to think otherwise. Being in this relationship drained all the energy out of me, I was crying most of the time, feeling upset at both of us. It's unbelievable, the things you put me through.
How could you look me in the eye and lie? Then accuse me of turning my back against you and making the rest of the world hate you? How could you tell your friends, and even MY friends, that I ruined your life, asked them to inform you of my actions, then tell me how much you love and trust me?
How does a person change so much within a few months? All this while, I felt like a puppet, being manipulated by you, helpless. No one could save me, because no one knows. There were so many words I wished I had said them earlier, I wished I asked for help earlier, and yet I couldn't because I was afraid. I was afraid of what other people might think of us, of me, of you. I wanted to protect you, I really did. I kept most of the things to myself even till now because I didn't want people to think of you otherwise. Everyday, for months, I lived in fear, under your shadow. At the start, I thought it was simply you being protective over me, that it was all for love. Then you turned into a monster and I realised that it wasn't love. You only wanted me, just like how you want everything in the world, how you want people to bow at your feet and listen to your orders, how you want to be the centre of everyone's attention. You wanted a girl by your side to make yourself look and feel good.
How can you claim to love me when all you wanted to do was to possess and control me? You just don't do such things to the people you love. Perhaps you've inherited such traits from your father. Those warning signs, the things you told me he'd done, those should have made me realised earlier the kind of person you are. Nonetheless, I thought I could change you. I though that so long as you see how much I genuinely like you, you'd change for me. That you'd stop feeling jealous and mad over the slightest things, that you'd respect me and give me the freedom to do the things I want and not have you watch over me like a child. Hell, I couldn't even confide in my brother and let him know the pain I was feeling during that period. I didn't want to aggravate the impression he had of you, I fear that would give you another reason to scream at me for. I have honestly never been so terrified of a person before, everyday was a torture. You were so obsessed its abnormal, I couldn't not reply your text within 5 mins, or else I'd receive 20-30 missed calls or you'd be standing below my house. I had to think before I say anything in case you'd flare up.
The worst thing was that I thought all these were normal. That my fears were simply me feeling sorry for myself. I thought I was the only one in the wrong, constantly bringing you pain. That's why I gave in time and time again when you begged for my return.
You told me once you could never love someone else as much as you love me, how did you get back together with her in such a short period of time, then accused me of breaking up with you so I can date other guys? It's disgusting and heartbreaking when I think of how you'd reveal all the secrets I've told you to your friends and then laugh about them, making snide remarks about me. It's painful to see how foolish I used to be, believing in the best of you. I will never be able to forgive you for the things you did to me, mentally and physically. I will also have a phobia of men because of my past relationship with you. Even till today, I hurt so much it's indescribable. I never knew such pain exists in the world. You've ruined me, stepped and crushed me as though I'm an ant. I see now that I am nothing more than property to you, and those feelings weren't real, your love was just something I conjured on my own to make myself feel better, to give myself excuses and reasons to forgive you, to carry on hurting.
I wish you'd be able to feel my pain as well, maybe then you'd feel guilt and stop thinking that the whole world has done you wrong.
I pray for strength that will finally lift the burden off my chest, that someday somehow, I'd be able to find the courage to believe again.
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| Just one day to remember |
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February 25th,
2012 5:58 pm
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mood |
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 peaceful |
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Dear you,
Happy Birthday. Three years ago I gave you a file of poems, I wonder what you did with them? I wish I knew if you read them and remembered the events that inspired some of them, or if you threw the whole lot away without a second glance. I've got three more for you now, if you want them, maybe later I'll write one more, while it's still the 25th of February. I won't post them here because they're only meant for you, but if by some stroke of luck you happen to see this and you still care, you need only ask and I'll hand them over.
It's been years, hasn't it? Since everything went wrong? Or maybe it was never right in the first place, and we were just clinging on to a fantastical delusion until one day we couldn't hold on and it shattered. Either way, it's almost laughable how it can still hurt as much as if it were only yesterday. I thought time was supposed to heal all wounds? Then again, maybe I'm just not trying hard enough, because if I let you go then I'll really be alone, like a leaf caught by the wind. Once a leaf is separated from the tree, what purpose does it have? There are no more seeds to produce food for, no more need to grow deeper and stronger roots. A leaf on its own isn't needed for anything. Maybe I'm being stupid, and maybe by not letting go I'm throwing away all chances of forming more meaningful friendships, but I still need you, even if I'm now just someone you used to know.
So whatever you're doing, wherever you go, I hope you're happier now. And I promise, that no matter what happens, I'll always be on your side.
Me
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